In A Sane World…


In a sane world, Brangelina would long since have been made to relinquish custody of their collection of exotic children. The tragedy of their biological daughter, Shiloh, is a story recurring with stomach-turning frequency these days, and will no doubt be further mainstreamed by their glamorization of this trendy form of Progressive child abuse.

Shiloh, you see, has been designated pretty much since birth as a “boy” by her parents. It’s telling that Shiloh is a child Brangelina made themselves, using the tiresomely conservative, yet still biologically imperative, process of uniting one male and one female. Shiloh is also beautiful, blond, privileged … one no-no after another, in other words. In the bad old days, there was nothing a Progressive parent could do to hide the shame of such an offspring. Thank Whatever that today, we have the option of trans’ing one’s child! Good Prog parents everywhere are busy cultivating mental illness in their own children in hopes of obtaining one of these sainted, confused, way-fashionable, neo-victim offspring.

I was a rip-roaring tomboy when I was a kid. I spent all day in the woods whittlin’ and fishin’, I read manly magazines, and I deplored dresses. I quit Brownies after two weeks to tag along after my brothers’ Cub Scout troop. I envied their ability to urinate standing up, with impressive accuracy, no less. Once, as a young child, I dreamt I had grown my own penis. (A laughable cliché of an envy, to be sure.) I disliked the company of most girls, preferring the down-to-earth, rational sense boys seemed to exhibit more reliably. (Even as an adult, I find lesbians are often better female company than most straight women, as they are less apt to subscribe to silliness.)

Thank God Brad and Angie were not my parents. One of the Progressive Cult’s hallmarks is utter disregard for the sanctity and innocence of youth. No age is too young to begin the indoctrination.

Nowadays, the same crowd that derides the faithful for believing in something that cannot be factually proven, such as a “magic fairy in the sky,” is somehow convinced that their mere words are powerful enough truth to override the most obvious of realities.

Here at the Right-Wing Riot, we are nothing if not innovative. Our libertarian sensibilities demand that this exciting new psychological super-power not be confined to a single “special self-awareness,” but be available to free spirits everywhere who self-identify not as they were born, but as they know they should be! The endpoint of this trend is anyone’s guess, but the beginning is starkly obvious to me. It’s time for us to recognize other former “disorders” as the personal identity indicators they really are. Recommendations for immediate recognition include:

The Trans-Obese — formerly derided as “bulimic” or “anorexic,” they are now to be recognized as simply identifying as a BMI that does not correspond to the bodies assigned them at birth. As health providers are being required to provide reassignment surgery for the transgendered, so must they provide liposuction for the transobese.

The Trans-Amputee — It is long-past time for Body Integrity Identity Disorder to be reclassified. Who are we to say how many limbs it is “normal” for a person to have? As with gender-reassigment surgery, elective amputation and/or paralysis must be covered by medical insurance. Bigoted doctors who refuse to comply need to have their licenses pulled.

The Trans-Racial — College freshman the nation over will no longer languish in dorm rooms, just knowing they were born with the soul of a black jazz musician. Sometimes the outsides don’t match the insides. Privileged white parents must strive to be supportive if their son comes home from college and tells them he now identifies as African-American. Likewise, impediments to obtaining scholarships and admissions must be removed, and organizations must be legally required to consider only the subject’s self-identified race.

The Trans-Species — When I was a child, I very much wanted to be a cat. I envied the life led by our housecat, Muffy. I wanted to nap in the sun and climb the Christmas tree. Unfortunately, I was prevented from being me by my repressive, bigoted parents. This should never happen to another child. From this day forward, the transspecies must be supported, no matter what form they choose to take.

The Trans-Rape Victim — Rape is extremely serious, and in this day and age of rapey rape culture, its impact cannot be overestimated. Gone are the days when one must undergo an actual physical rape to identify as a rape victim. The “truth” is irrelevant where such powerful self-knowledge and suffering is concerned. All medical and legal accommodations must be made to support the transrape victim, up to and including prosecution of hot frat guys who would never even know her name otherwise.

And let us not be so narrow-minded, repressive and bigoted a society as to limit legally recognized self-identifications to these few, humble suggestions. Delusions and derangements Personal Identities are limited only by the human imagination. Let us resolve to celebrate them all!

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