I have a confession to make. It’s shameful, but I have to get it off my chest.
I’m starting to finally see how brilliant Barack Obama is, and how wrong I was to doubt, even (for those of you who’ve read “Truesbury”) to mock him.
It’s suddenly so clear that he only has the best interests of everyone in mind: I mean, come on, they only give the Nobel Peace Prize to the best and the brightest. So starting immediately, when confronted by a problem in American society, I’m going to ask myself, “What Would Barack Do?” (Note: for maximum effectiveness, the following life-changing paragraphs should be read with this most instructive audio in the background, lest we forget from whom all blessings flow)
A clear outline for safe, sane response to gun violence is available, if only we have the courage to follow the example of Chairman Barack.
Here’s a simple, logical, nay, easy-to-achieve plan to keep weapons out of the hands of the most dangerous lunatics anywhere:
1) First, we’ll ignore the lunatic’s history of attacking his neighbors and anyone else he doesn’t like, as well as the lunatic’s history of paying the local thugs to harass, vandalize, and injure them. The lunatics are simply misunderstood.
2) We’ll have to simply forgive all the death threats the lunatic has ever uttered. Or published. Or even carried out. Because, as Barack tells us, they don’t really mean it, and if anyone was killed by the lunatics, it was only because those passive-aggressors incited the hapless maniac.
3) Taxpayers will give the lunatics $275,000 each. They’ve been ostracized by an unfeeling society for too long, of course they would act out. But that $275,000 is theirs to spend however they want. Sure, I know some of you heretics scoff at the way we couldn’t track what the crackpots are spending it on, and you heartlessly suggest a lunatic could even use it to buy lead and gunpowder and dynamite and maybe even hire some more thugs, but really now, haven’t you been paying attention? Barack says they won’t. He knows better that you, so just shut up and keep reading. You’ll submit to his brilliance sooner or later.
4) And here’s that one that will make all you haters I mentioned in #3 hang their heads for shame, because this is the one that’s gonna really sting the crazy-ass firearms fornicators. We get to inspect their houses and lands for contraband any time we want.
As long as we ask them first.
And if they don’t let us, why we can go to a council of the insane threatener and their equally crazy friends and demand they let us make that inspection. The lunatic is the head of the council, of course, and they can deny us entry.
But we can still go to a final mediator and by golly, they’ll grant us admission to their secret basement lair, and it won’t take more than 24 days to get access to whatever nefarious secrets those nasty gun-loving crazies are hiding from the good peace-loving citizens of our country. That’ll show them who’s boss, won’t it? And it’ll keep him from doing anything naughty, too (Yes, there are some other provisions we could go over, such as the fact we’ll no longer ban the mentally unstable from buying less-dangerous weapons like machetes or bolos or tasers; but those are niggling details hardly worth mentioning).
And there you have it: the glorious wisdom of Barack Obama, perfectly ready for everyday use! Why it has not occurred to any of my Liberal friends to apply the Iran Nuclear Deal to gun control is puzzling, because everyone knows Progressives are naturally kinder, smarter, and more fashionable than the benighted conservatives, but no matter. If it’s good enough for the Mullahs, it’s good enough for the gun-nuts!
Next time, we’ll tackle race relations by asking ourselves as we always should, “What Would Barack Do?”