After the workplace violence Jihadi-inspired slaughter in San Bernardino, CA (less than 20 miles from where I write this), a lot of Americans are concerned. Not so much about the deeply flawed visa system, but about our Liberal friends.
We’re concerned about their insistence on allowing upwards of 10,000, mostly young male Syrian immigrants into the country. It strikes some of us that using a system that cheerfully allowed a woman with a false address and murderous heart to enter the US seems like a problem. And on further reflection, it occurs to us that using that same system to vet the largely unverifiable backgrounds of young men from a broken civil government could be, you know, uncool.
But most Liberals seem to think our current vetting system will work. Given the recent, bloody evidence of how well it does not work, I was puzzled how any rational human being could support that system.
And then I remembered.
Liberals are not only smarter, kinder, and have a better fashion sense than us benighted conservatives, they possess powers far beyond those of the ordinary (as are all) Republicans.
Being wiser than anyone from a Red State, Progressives only use this power when it is absolutely required. Which is any time anyone disagrees with them. At that point, Progressives’ not-so-secret power kicks in: A true progressive can look into the soul of their enemy and see the secret darkness within.
The signs of this ability in use are subtle. The liberal’s eyes don’t quite glow (that would be too obvious), but their faces often become red, the volume of their voice goes up, and their hands tremble as the awesome power within them turns to focus upon the failings of the worm who dared to contradict the sacred tenets of the One True Faith.
You can’t be against ObamaCare for economic or Constitutional reasons, You Are Really A Heartless Person Who Wants to See Dead Babies.
Your support of the Second Amendment is really because You Have A Small Penis.
If you think affirmative action is racial discrimination by another name, then clearly You Are A Racist Who Wants to Protect Your White Privilege.
Given the vast powers of their insight, it makes perfect sense that Liberals would believe our current vetting system would work. Since they know the evil in the hearts of Conservatives, then of course that same Socialist Superpower would allow them (or their State Department civil service proxies) to discern the real killers among the widows and orphans that are sure to be rushing to safety on our shores.
Every hero has a weakness, however. The one place this amazing power seems to fail is when it comes to examining other Liberal Progressives. The superpower failed to discern that hero to the homeless Mitch Snyder was a liar and spousal abuser. It somehow missed that Ted Kennedy was an abusive drunk who treated lower-class women as cheap toys. Bill Clinton’s serial sexual predations are invisible to the unblinking eye, while Hillary Clinton’s documented lies (captured in handy email and video form) are impervious to the superior insight of these Socialist Superheroes.
But fear not, you huddled masses of seething Republican rage, who are irrationally racist against that undocumented and untrackable ten thousand. With the might of Progressive Superpowers, we will be protected!*
*(and if there is another Muslim Jihadi terrorist attack, it’s because Bush’s foreign policy drove them to it).